well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
