If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
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I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
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Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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