I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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