It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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