I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
