Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
