all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
