I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
