You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
