ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You can't just leave with hair like that
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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