you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
