Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
