Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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