I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
