did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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