Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
