i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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