I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
