Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
