I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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