Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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