So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i now understand why vodka
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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