I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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