She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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