I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
