I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Less talking, more tequila
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
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