Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
