how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
