he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
