My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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