think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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