All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
