a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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