maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He felt like a one man threesome
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
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Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
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Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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