I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
