It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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