You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
