Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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