just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
