I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My vagina just recognized that song.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
