It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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