Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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