I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
