I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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