I wish my penis had an off switch
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
pray to the hookup gods
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
