Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
