I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
