So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
