theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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