that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
