Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
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There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
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