That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
